She's Just My Cousin
by Sleeping Soul
Summary: A stupid and shameless self-insertion fic. Seifer plays a racing game, Rinoa drowns, Irvine gets turned down, NORG is fat. Sexual innuendo ensues.


Disclaimer: Final Fantasy VIII and all components are Square's. Sleeping Soul is me....I guess I belong to myself.....so don't steal me. Dragon Blade is my best friend, you can steal her if you want I don't really care.   
  
  
A/N: This is not supposed to be a serious story-so don't take it as one. And please don't be offended if I make fun of your favorite character or something.....because I make fun of my favorites too. Hell, I make fun of myself. And my friend. Yes, it is all in good fun. Okay I'll shut up.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
*A very dejected looking Sleeping Soul drags herself to the 3F bridge.*  
  
Sleeping Soul: Man I'm bored...  
  
Sleeping Soul: Where the hell is everybody?  
  
*Squeak, squeak squeak*  
  
Sleeping Soul: Ahh! What was that?!  
  
Squall (muffled voice): Oh yeah baby...  
  
Dragon Blade (panting, out of breath): Say...don't you have a girlfriend?  
  
Squall: You mean Rinoa? Uh...no...she's my cousin...yeah that's it, my cousin.  
  
Sleeping Soul: ::giggle::  
  
*Door opens, Rinoa prances in*  
  
Rinoa: Hiya Sleeping Soul! Have you seen Squally-poo anywhere??  
  
*Sleeping Soul smirks and points innocently to a door on the far side of the room*  
  
Squall (now quite audible): Harder baby! YEAH!  
  
*Rinoa's eyes go wide. She storms over to the closet and opens it. Squall and Dragon Blade, both half dressed, tumble out and do some entertaining rolling on the floor. Dragon Blade (magically) lands on top. The two pay no never mind about the disruption, and go about their business...*  
  
Rinoa: SQUALL?!  
  
*Squall's eyes pop open, and very very slowly, he sneaks a peak around Dragon Blade's shoulder*  
  
Squall: RINOA?! Um...hiya cuz! What's shakin'?  
  
Rinoa: Are you like... doing CPR?  
  
Dragon Blade: Uh, yeah! That's it! Eh heh...  
  
*Squall and Dragon Blade stand and dust themselves off. Dragon Blade is wearing a black bra and pair of pants. Squall is without his boots, jacket and white shirt*  
  
Rinoa (grinning widely): WOW! That is *such* a nice BIKINI TOP! Ooh! Squally-poo, are we going to the beach?!  
  
Squall: Uh sure babe... whatever...  
  
Rinoa: Goodie!  
  
*She squeals and scampers off to get changed*  
  
Dragon Blade (grumbling, picking up shirt off the ground): Well the moment is obviously ruined, hey what's your name again? Sam? Seymour? Ah whatever, you were great, gimme a call sometime you big stud.  
  
*Starts to exit the room, shirt not buttoned all the way up yet. Irvine saunters in*  
  
Irvine: Hey Sleeping Soul, about that date toni- WHOA NELLY!  
  
Irvine (slightly drooling): Hey hunny, where've you been all my life?  
  
Dragon Blade: Well you can find me at the corner down the street from the Deling City Hotel. ::scribbles something on a slip of paper and hands it to Irvine:: If I'm not there, then here's my number sweetie.  
  
Irvine: (Score!)  
  
*Dragon Blade finishes buttoning her shirt and exits the room. She chuckles evilly... because she gave the cowboy a fake number. Still snickering, she spots Seifer up ahead, getting into the elevator*  
  
Dragon Blade: Whoa...! HEY! WAIT UP SEXY!  
  
Dragon Blade: ...Ever play Twister?  
  
*Elevator closes in front of the two, so no more is seen or heard. Sleeping Soul and Squall are now the only two left in the room*  
  
Squall (muttering to himself): Guess I hafta go to the beach with Rinoa... maybe I'll point out a pretty seashell and hope she drowns trying to find it...  
  
*Exits*  
  
*Sleeping Soul gets really bored*  
  
*She stands, staring into space*   
  
*Some time passes, with more of the above*  
  
*She finally sits at Cid's desk and goes through his papers. After finding some scandalous evidence of the rising hot affair between Cid and Dr. Kadowaki, she becomes frightened and figures out some things are better off not known. She props her legs up on the desk, whips out one of Edea's dangerous looking nail files, and hums Liberi Fatali happily*  
  
*A few moments later a flustered Seifer rushes in, lipstick marks all over his face and neck, and locks and bolts the door behind him*  
  
*Sleeping Soul looks up and goes starry eyed*  
  
*She sighs dreamily, clutching her tiny silver Hyperion Cross pendant*  
  
*Fixes up hair*  
  
Sleeping Soul: Hey.....  
  
Seifer: Oh thank Hyne! There's this crazy chick out there and she's trying to seduce me- you gotta hide me!!  
  
Sleeping Soul (evil glint in eye): ...Hide, eh...?  
  
*Sleeping Soul latches on to Seifer's sleeve, drags him quite speedily down to her dorm room. He's 6'2, she barely hits 5'4...*  
  
Seifer: HEY! What the...?!  
  
*..........*  
  
*..........*  
  
*..........*  
  
*Several hours later...*  
  
*View of Seifer and Sleeping Soul, covered up by nice silky black sheets*  
  
Seifer (popping open a beer): That was so good  
  
Sleeping Soul (pitifully fumbling around with a lighter and cigarette): I know  
  
Seifer (chugging beer): So now what  
  
Sleeping Soul (inhales, coughs unattractively): Dunno  
  
Seifer: Wanna 'nother go around?  
  
Sleeping Soul: Kay.  
  
*Heh, several hours later (A/N: yes I realize it does not take several hours! My friend scolded me on this...just to let everyone know I am exaggerating in hopes of making it funnier...)*  
  
*Irvine struts down the hallway, a small bouquet of roses in hand*  
  
Irvine: (I tried calling that Dragon Blade chick 107 times today, I kept getting some old guy at a restaurant. At first I thought he was a pimp, but when I addressed him as such he got pissed... some people are so sensitive...)  
  
Irvine: (So like, I bet she mixed up some digits. She did look awful tired... well there's one cutie gone, but so many left!)  
  
Irvine: (Sleeping Soul has a nicer chest anyway. And so much free time!)  
  
*Comes to a stop in front of Sleeping Soul's dorm room. Pushes hat down over eyes and adjusts ponytail. Leans against the doorframe in what he hopes is a seductive manner and prepares to knock*  
  
Irvine: (Irvy baby, get ready to score.)  
  
*Knock knock*  
  
*..........*  
  
Irvine: Hey Sleeping Soul! You in there?! Remember you said you would go out with me toni-  
  
Sleeping Soul: Oh! Seifer!  
  
Seifer: Whoooooooooo...!  
  
*Irvine stumbles back, looks betrayed*  
  
*A cute redhead walks by*  
  
Irvine: Hey hunny, where've you been all my life?  
  
Cute Redhead: Get lost, jerk.  
  
Irvine: (Maybe I need a new line.)  
  
Irvine: Hey hey c'mon now, don't be like that...  
  
*Follows Cute Redhead offscreen*  
  
*Meanwhile, inside the dorm...*  
  
*Zoom in on Seifer sitting on an armchair in front of a big screen TV, with a PSX controller in his hand. You can just make out Sleeping Soul sitting on his lap*  
  
Sleeping Soul: Oh! Seifer!   
  
Seifer: Whoooooooooo...!  
  
Sleeping Soul: Kick ass! You're in first place!  
  
*Tries to give him an appreciative big hug and kiss, distracts Seifer from Daytona Racing. In a moment he realizes that he's fallen into last place...*  
  
Seifer: DAMMIT!  
  
*Stands suddenly, throwing Sleeping Soul to the cold, uncomfortable floor.*  
  
Sleeping Soul: Ow! Hey!  
  
Seifer (vein popping out of forehead): Just one GODDAMN TIME I wanted to be FIRST I wanna be the BEST I bet that bastard SQUALL has NO problem getting first place in a GODDAMN RACING GAME!  
  
*Pause*  
  
Seifer: Yeah yeah...Squall always has to be the best in every fucking thing...  
  
*Dragon Blade shows up from nowhere in particular*  
  
Dragon Blade (winking suggestively): Damn straight!  
  
*Scampers down the hall towards Squall's room*  
  
*He is back from the beach*  
  
*Let's just make it easy and say Rinoa drowned*  
  
*Such a sad death, she never did find that seashell...*  
  
*Anyway...*  
  
*Seifer rushes out of room and bellows at Dragon Blade*  
  
Seifer: OH YEAH?! Oh no, I am *so* much better in bed than that goddamn PUBERTY BOY!! Right Sleeping Soul?!  
  
*Sleeping Soul secretly seethes over being dropped on the floor*  
  
Seifer: ...Sleeping Soul?  
  
Sleeping Soul: ... ... ... ... ...  
  
Sleeping Soul: Well...  
  
*Uncomfortable pause*  
  
*Dashes out and yells down hall*  
  
Sleeping Soul: Squall! I'm in need of your sweet lovin'!   
  
Dragon Blade (once again, out of breath...): He's...busy...right...now...!  
  
*Sleeping Soul snaps fingers*  
  
Sleeping Soul: Oh, gosh darn.  
  
*Irvine saunters down the hall. Apparently, his bad luck with Cute Redhead hasn't scratched his ego. He adjusts his hat and winks*  
  
Irvine: Hey... I'm not busy right now...  
  
Sleeping Soul: ... ... ... ... ...  
  
Sleeping Soul: SEIFER!!!  
  
* ~ * ~ *  
  
*All (or most of) the characters not yet mentioned, congregate in Zell's room to discuss their unpopularity. His room is the cleanest, after all, because Ma Dincht could drop in at any time for inspection.*  
  
Zell: Man this sucks. I'm getting no air time.  
  
Selphie: I know. And we thought our role in the *game* was too small. Sleeping Soul is soooooooooo rude.  
  
Quistis: Tell me about it. And she said I was her favorite character.  
  
Selphie: ...Next to Seifer.  
  
Raijin: Yeah, that's why she always makes you two a couple, ya know?  
  
Fujin: SECRET!  
  
*Kick*  
  
Quistis: Seifer and I? A couple? Ludicrous.  
  
Angelo: Arf!!  
  
Raijin: Angelo lost his master today, ya know.  
  
Selphie (still perky): Rinoa's dead?! Booyaka!  
  
Zell: OOHHHHH YEEEEEEEEAHHHH BABY!  
  
Quistis: (Yes! Now all I have to do is get rid of that Dragon Blade chick and Squall is all mine!) Rinoa is deceased? That is terribly upsetting.  
  
Zone: NOOOOO!!! COME BACK TO ME PRINCESS!  
  
Watts: Sir, she's in a better place sir. We'll take of Angelo for her sir, she would have wanted it that way sir. You know sir, she always starved the poor dog to death sir. Have you ever seen a doggie dish, sir? I haven't sir. All he gets is a biscuit after a hard trick, like jumping over the moon, sir.  
  
Zone: OuuuCCHHHhhh! My stomach!  
  
Watts: You really should see Dr. Kadowaki about that, sir.  
  
NORG: Bushururu! THIS-PARTY-SUCKS. I'M-GOING-BACK-TO-MY-POD. Fushifuru!  
  
Zell: Good man, get the hell outta my dorm. You take up too much goddamn room.  
  
Mayor Dobe: Rude talk like that can only lead to violence.  
  
Flo: We believe that any anger or problem can be settled through calm discussion.  
  
Zell: Tch, and you two! Unless you want to get those sticks out from your asses, you can leave too!  
  
Selphie: You tell 'em Zell! They can't talk to us that way!  
  
Raijin: But I can stay, right, ya know?  
  
Fujin: ... ... RAGE.  
  
Ultimecia: How kan I put up with such a krappy social atmosphere? Kome, Griever, we have yet to achieve time kompression.  
  
Griever: ... ... But I wanna make them bleed!  
  
Ultimecia: Kan it.   
  
Selphie: Yeah, and your Shockwave Pulsar is such a mega bummer.  
  
Quistis: Yes, I have the same attack. Quite unimpressive.  
  
Griever: ... ... BLEED!  
  
*Ultimecia drags a fuming Griever from the room. Since they, NORG, Dobe, and the fat ass Flo are all gone, Zell's dorm is looking a lot roomier*  
  
Raijin: I'm bored ya know?  
  
Fujin: AFFIRMATIVE.  
  
Watts: Are you feeling better sir?  
  
*Zone is crouching, sobbing in the corner, hugging to him the crappy train model created by Rinoa's untalented hands*  
  
Zone: P-Princess... I miss you already... Hey! The newest issue of Girl Next Door!  
  
*Zell blushes furiously, grabs the magazine and stuffs it under his mattress. Selphie and Quistis giggle*  
  
Zell: Nobody saw nothin'.   
  
Raijin: I saw it, ya know.  
  
Zell: WHAT DID YOU SAY?!  
  
Raijin: N-nothin'? Ya know.  
  
Angelo: Arf.  
  
*At this moment, Seifer and Irvine carry in an apparently inebriated Sleeping Soul who is wearing Irvine's hat, and blabbering on about a commercial)  
  
Sleeping Soul: Sooooooo, then I said, um hold on I lost it, oh okay I remember, I said but I still don't understand why he can't believe it's not butter! I mean gawd, it doesn't look butter, cause that comes in those cute little sticks that's all easy to get a knife through and stuff, so basically I think the guy is a moron for being a disbeliever in it not being butter. Or somethin'. Yeah.  
  
*Dragon Blade and Squall wander in, hair and clothes mussed up*  
  
Quistis: Gosh, is she intoxicated?  
  
Seifer: She's even too drunk for sex.  
  
Irvine: Believe us, we've tried.  
  
*Dragon Blade shuffles over to the garbage and casually drops in an empty whiskey bottle. She turns to the camera and holds a finger to her lips*  
  
Irvine: Hey! It's the cutie from this morning! So like, did you know I tried calling you 107 times and...  
  
Dragon Blade: Hmm? Oh it's you. Well I guess we can go in Zell's bedroom and...  
  
*Construction noises from outside*  
  
Irvine: Kay! (SCORE!)  
  
*5 minutes later, Sleeping Soul is still a babbling drunk. Zell starts taking swings at his punching bag. Squall passes out, he's had an... active, day. Selphie watches cartoons. Zone sneaks out the Girl Next Door issue when Zell's not watching. Raijin decides that he likes cartoons, too. Fujin seethes over... nothing. Since Sleeping Soul is too drunk to have sex with him, Seifer hits on Quistis. Watts tries to get Angelo to teach him to jump over the moon and make everyone invincible. It doesn't work too well*  
  
Sleeping Soul: Hehehehehehe...I'm wasted. Hehehehe!  
  
Selphie: Ooh! Hey Arnold is on! Booyaka!  
  
Raijin: Ooh! I love this show ya know! Helga reminds me of a blonde, unibrowed Fujin... so mean but I know she secretly loves me ya know?  
  
Fujin: RAGE RAGE RAGE!!!   
  
Squall: zzz... whatever... zzz...  
  
Seifer: So ah, Instructor, why don't you head over to my place tonight while Sleeping Soul's still drunk and give me a few lessons in the finer arts of the whip?  
  
Zone: Ooh... she's a hottie...  
  
Zell: What the...?! Hey! Gimme that!  
  
Watts: Please Angelo, sir! I need to know! It's a trampoline, isn't it sir?!  
  
Angelo: Arf arf, arf arf arf.   
  
Watts: I knew it! Sir!  
  
Selphie: Aww, Hey Arnold's over. Super-duper-mega-bummer.  
  
Raijin: But look, ya know?! The Brady Bunch is on now! Mike Brady is my hero, ya know. Such a snazzy dresser, ya know.  
  
Sleeping Soul: Fithos...  
  
Zell: GIMME BACK MY MAGAZINE ZONE!   
  
Sleeping Soul: Lusec...  
  
Irvine: What do you mean you think I'm a virgin?!  
  
Sleeping Soul: Wecos...  
  
Quistis: Kindly keep your hands off me, Almasy!  
  
Sleeping Soul: Vinosec...!  
  
*Everyone stops moving and speaking as thunder crashes outside and rain comes pouring down. There is one very important thing that I'm sure many people have overlooked...*  
  
*With the carefree Rinoa gone, somebody has to be sorceress...*  
  
*And believe you me, it ain't Ultimecia...*  
  
*Yup, the inebriated Sleeping Soul rises to power! RUN!*  
  
*Insane giggle*  
  
  
  
  
  
  
A/N: Well that was something fun and interesting to write. Did anyone... dare I even think it... like this? Heh heh... maybe I'll make a sequel... heh heh heh...  



End file.
